The Book in 3 Sentences

1. Loving yourself deeply is a choice you can make and a skill that can be worked on.
2. Our mind has the tendency to fall into negative ruts but by loving ourselves we create new grooves that when deepened enough, become a core part of our life.
3. As you love yourself, life loves you back.

Impressions

Very interesting ideas. The writing style was very engaging and it felt like I was hearing it straight from the author's mouth. It was a very refreshing writing style. The book was a bit bloated and could probably be a lot more condensed. Ideas were repeated often. Read this if you struggle with self-love, or if you want so safeguard your future self from falling into ruts of negative thinking.

Top Quotes

It’s easy to get caught in our heads, run thought loops on automatic. This feels so normal that we rarely stop to question it. Yet most of these loops don’t serve us.

Let go of the ego, let go of attachments, let go of who I think I should be, who others think I should be. And as I do that, the real me emerges, far far better than the Kamal I projected to the world. There is a strength in this vulnerability that cannot be described, only experienced.

As you love yourself, life loves you back.

This is the way we look at life. The first: life happens to me. This is the place we normally live from, especially as a victim. The second: life happens for me. This upends everything. You look for the good that life is giving you, including the lessons. The third: life happens through me. Where you flow with life and don’t even have to look for the good because you’re experiencing it.

Love is not a beggar’s bowl. Love is a deep well connected to life itself. The more it flows through you, the more it transforms you, and the more you receive in return.

Summary, Notes & Quotes

If you’ve ever been a baby, you’ve experienced love. The mind knows it on a fundamental, even primal level. So, unlike most words, love has the ability to slip past the conscious and into the subconscious, where magic happens.

The mind already has a strong wiring for love. The body knows it as well.

As you love yourself, life loves you back.

There is one requirement. A fierce commitment to loving yourself. This cannot be skipped.

Each time the mind shifts to darkness—fear, worry, pain, you name it—when you notice, clean the window. Light will flow in.

I once heard someone explain thoughts as this: we, as human beings, think that we’re thinking. Not true. Most of the time, we’re remembering. We’re reliving memories.

We keep replaying the loops and they, in turn, trigger feelings.

Imagine a thought loop as this: a pathway laid down by constant use. Like a groove in rock created by water. Enough time, enough intensity, and you’ve got a river.

Take this one thought, I love myself. Add emotional intensity because it deepens the groove faster than anything. Feel the thought. Run it again and again. Feel it. Run it. Whether you believe it or not doesn’t matter, just focus on this one thought. Make it your truth.

I sit with my back against a wall, put on my headphones, listen to the music, and imagine galaxies and stars and the Universe above, and I imagine all the light from space flowing into my head and down into my body, going wherever it needs to go. I breathe slowly, naturally. As I inhale, I think, I love myself. Then I exhale and let out whatever the response in my mind and body is, whether there is one or not. That’s it. Simple.

Just like love, the subconscious has a positive association with light.

How to meditate:

Step 1: Put on music. Something soothing, gentle, preferably instrumental. A piece that makes you feel good.

Step 2: Sit with your back against a wall or window. Cross your legs or stretch them out, whatever feels natural.

Step 3: Close your eyes. Smile slowly. Imagine a beam of light pouring into your head from above.

Step 4: Breathe in, say to yourself in your mind, I love myself. Slowly. Be gentle with yourself.

Step 5: Breathe out and along with it, anything that arises. Any thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, fears, hopes, desires. Or nothing. Breathe it out. No judgment, no attachment to anything. Be kind to yourself.

Step 6: Repeat 4 and 5 until the music ends. (When your attention wanders, notice it and smile. Smile at it as if it’s a child doing what a child does. And with that smile, return to your breath. Step 4, step 5. Mind wanders, notice, smile kindly, return to step 4, step 5.)

Step 7: When the music ends, open your eyes slowly. Smile. Do it from the inside out. This is your time. This is purely yours.

The mirror technique:

Step 1: Set a timer for five minutes.

Step 2: Stand in front of a mirror, nose a few inches away. Relax. Breathe.

Step 3: Look into your eyes. It sometimes helps to focus on just one. If so, try your left eye. Breathe slowly, naturally, until you develop a rhythm.

Step 4: Looking into your eyes, say, “I love myself.” Whether you believe it that moment or not isn’t important. What’s important is you saying it to yourself, looking into your eyes, where there is no escape from the truth. And ultimately, the truth is loving yourself.

Step 5: Repeat “I love myself” gently, pausing occasionally to watch your eyes.

A good question to regularly ask yourself is, “If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I let myself experience this?”

The mind, left to itself, repeats the same stories, the same loops. Mostly ones that don’t serve us. So what’s practical, what’s transformative, is to consciously choose a thought. Then practice it again and again. With emotion, with feeling, with acceptance.

The more you remember something, especially if it’s emotionally charged, the more you will reinforce the pathways connecting the neurons. Simply put, the more you think about it, the more you feel it, the stronger the memory.

It’s not just the act of recall that strengthens a memory; another factor shapes and even changes it—the state of mind you are in when remembering something.

If a painful memory arises, don’t fight it or try to push it away—you’re in quicksand. Struggle reinforces pain. Instead, go to love. Love for yourself. Feel it. If you have to fake it, fine. It’ll become real eventually. Feel the love for yourself as the memory ebbs and flows. That will take the power away.

Fighting fear doesn’t work. It just drags us in closer. One has to focus on what is real. On the truth. When in darkness, don’t fight it. You can’t win. Just find the nearest switch, turn on the light.

James Altucher, in one of his best blog posts, talks about how he stops negative thoughts in their tracks with a simple mind trick. “Not useful,” he tells himself. It’s a switch, a breaker of sorts, shifts the pattern of the fear.

Fear, when used properly, is a useful tool. It serves us well when near a blazing inferno or standing at the edge of a cliff. But outside of this, it highjacks the mind. To the point where it’s difficult to distinguish the mind and our thoughts from fear itself.

Here we are, thinking that one needs to be in love with another to shine, to feel free and shout from the rooftops, but the most important person, the most important relationship we’ll ever have is waiting, is craving to be loved truly and deeply.

When we love ourselves, we naturally shine, we are naturally beautiful. And that draws others to us. Before we know it, they’re loving us and it’s up to us to choose who to share our love with.

I pull out my notebook from my daypack, tear off a piece of paper, and write. Today’s date. What I’m holding against myself. Finished, I write that I forgive myself. For it all. The waves crash and crinkle over the pebbly shore. I raise the letter to the sky and read it out loud. All that I hold against myself. All the forgiveness. I repeat this until it’s not needed anymore. When the moment feels right, I throw the rock high in an arc into the water. This time, I write a different letter to myself. Short and to the point: Dear Kamal, I vow to love you fully and completely and deeply in every way, in all thoughts, in all actions, in all my desires, and my being. I vow to love you, Kamal. I read out aloud.

Each time I got in my way, it was no longer unconscious. It was a choice. And eventually, I grew tired of those choices. That’s the thing about loving yourself, you start to tolerate less what doesn’t serve you—especially from yourself. This alone changes your life.

Magic lies in the unknown.

Asking the right question is the most powerful tool I’ve found in choosing the path to magic.

Another questions to ask yourself, “If I loved myself truly and deeply, what would I do?”

Sometimes you will fall into old ruts. Let the light in you remove the darkness. And most importantly, if the old grooves return, reach out for help. To anyone and everyone. One who loves themselves throws aside their ego and asks for help. Because they are worth it.

Let go of the ego, let go of attachments, let go of who I think I should be, who others think I should be. And as I do that, the real me emerges, far far better than the Kamal I projected to the world. There is a strength in this vulnerability that cannot be described, only experienced.

If this is possible for one human, it is possible for anyone. The path might be different, but the destination same.

I once asked a monk how he found peace. “I say yes,” he’d said. “To all that happens, I say yes.”

Often, the price for not being present is pain.

Whenever I notice fear in my mind, instead of pushing it aside or using it as fuel, I say to myself, It’s okay.

You can’t erase the past, only learn from it.

When life just works for a while, you get used to it and you think it’ll stay that way. Recency bias. When things suck, when you’re deep in it, it seems like they will suck forever.

Don’t let yourself coast when things are going great.

I’ve always known that growth is important to me. If I don’t feel like I’m growing, I’m drifting, depressed.

What we believe, that’s what we seek, it’s the filter we view our lives through. I’ve actively thrown myself at intense and difficult situations. All situations where I grew, but at what price?

You don’t need to love others before you love yourself.

Fear strengthens the ego. Love softens it.

Instead of reading loads of self-help books, attending various seminars, listening to different preachers, we should just pick one thing. Something that feels true for us. Then practice it fiercely.

We can always be better; we can always start anew.

Don’t get entangled in the details of loving yourself. If ever confused, remember that it’s your intention that matters. And the only intention you need here is pure and focused love for yourself.

Before you step into the future, you must release the shackles of the past.

Even if you want to forgive others, you must forgive yourself first.

Imagine letting go of what you’ve held against yourself. It allows you to move on and love yourself.

How to Forgive Yourself:

Step 1: Go somewhere where you won’t be interrupted

Step 2: When you are ready, write down all that you hold against yourself.

Step 3: Once the emotions have passed, remember that you are a human being. Therefore, it’s your nature to make mistakes. It’s the contract of existing on this planet. Sit with that for a moment.

Step 4: Write down that you forgive yourself. Read the whole thing out loud. Again and again and again until you feel something inside shift.

Step 5: Take the paper you wrote on and destroy it.

Just because I was at bottom doesn’t meant that you must be.

You can also use commitments to transform your health, fitness, finances and relationships.

We have no way to foresee the magic that results from our commitments.

Here’s a side effect of making and keeping commitments to yourself: your self-confidence skyrockets.

Do This Immediately Afterwards:

Step 1: Sit somewhere quiet with a piece of paper and pen. There’s something powerful about writing a vow with your hand, seeing the words flow through the pen, feeling the page.

Step 2: Write the vow to love yourself truly and deeply in every way you can. Make it so powerful that it scares you a little.

Step 3: If you feel the need to edit your vow, rewrite the whole thing again.

Step 4: Read the vow out loud. Again and again until you feel it vibrate inside you.

Step 5: Put this paper somewhere you’ll see it daily, preferably multiple times a day.

Step 6: Read it daily. At the very minimum, twice—once in the beginning of the day, once at the end. The more often you do this, the deeper the groove.

Imagine how you would be if you truly and unconditionally loved yourself. Imagine how your life would be. Feel that. This imagining and feeling part is important. Don’t skip it.

Throughout the day, I pause whatever I’m doing, and take ten breaths. That’s it.

They are deep and slow and purposeful. A complete shift from my thoughts to a pure focus on loving myself.

When I breathe in, I say to myself, I love myself.

If something works, it shifts you away from the misery you are in. If it does, do it more, go deeper. If it stops working or grows weaker, throw it away. Have no attachment to anything except results.

I noticed that while repeating, “I love myself,” there were brief moments where I made myself actually believe it. The more I felt the feeling, the faster my state of mind shifted. So I consciously added feeling to the mental loop. I actually made myself feel love for myself.

Thoughts and feelings added together create transformation on a higher level than thoughts alone.

The mental loop is the simplest piece of the practice. Just repeat “I love myself” every chance you get.

Your mind might rebel.

Don’t listen to the fears. Hallucinated snakes, every single one.

Stepping through hallucinated snakes builds trust in yourself. You realize that you are more powerful than your illusions.

Once you’re slightly used to the mental loop—and it only takes a day or two—add feeling.

Why even wait? Because the mind rebels harder if you do it all in the beginning. So the best way to do it is step by step.

When you first start, be obsessive about the mental loop. Do it as much as you possibly can.

But eventually, if you’re like me and things start to get really good, you’ll slow down. That’s fine. Life is long and has its own rhythm. But here’s the danger: if you stop, the mind starts to slide to old ways.

When you wake up:

Take a long and deep breath and say in your mind or aloud, “I love myself.” Imagine light flowing in from above into your head and spreading to your body, going wherever it needs to go. Feel the feeling of loving yourself. Then, exhale. Do this for ten breaths. It’s a beautiful way to start the day.

During the day:

Whenever you notice your thoughts wander to darkness—anger, hurt, pain, fear, and so on—pull out your rag, wipe your window. Let shift be your action. If you notice your mind in a negative loop, shift to love for yourself. Do this throughout the day. Shift. Shift. Shift.

Falling asleep:

Just repeat what you did when you woke. Except here, don’t stop. Do it until you fall asleep. Your mind will wander, as it naturally does, but each time you notice, shift it back to your new groove.

Remember, it’s the light that heals. It’s the light that transforms. There is nothing for us to do but to let it in. No forcing, just allowing.

What really helped me was doing this to the same piece of music. Since I felt good listening to it, it was easier to go into that state when I closed my eyes to meditate. Within a week, the moment the song came on, my mind automatically went into a silent state. Light poured in.

Find a piece of music that makes you feel good, play it, close your eyes, feel light enter from above with each in-breath, and say to yourself, I love myself. Then, release whatever comes with the out-breath. If your mind wanders, gently return it to your in-breath. Do this until the music ends. For me, this takes slightly over seven minutes.

Your mind might rebel, but don’t let this scare you.

I don’t recommend listening to that music outside of the meditation. You don’t want the mind to connect it to the mundane.

If you find yourself resisting something, then you must do it.

The resistance is old loops and patterns fighting for survival. The same ones that have held you down. Time to let them go.

I put myself so close to the mirror that I could only see my eyes, then told myself that I loved myself. This anchors our love to our physical selves. And the focus on the eyes avoids the judgments we make about our faces and bodies. The more we do this, the more the judgments disappear.

Stare into your eyes in the mirror and do the mental loop nonstop for five minutes. When you can, pause between breaths and get lost in your eyes. The more you do this, the more you’ll experience your own beauty. Add feeling after the first few times.

I don’t recommend doing anything else, like brushing your teeth, while doing this. As for the best time, do it right after the meditation if you can. Done back to back in the morning, they set up your day.

I’ve found it to be more powerful when saying “I love myself” out loud.

The key here is focus.

It’s easy to get caught in our heads, run thought loops on automatic. This feels so normal that we rarely stop to question it. Yet most of these loops don’t serve us.

Asking and answering questions make us proactive in our lives, rather than reactive.

Ask yourself this question: “If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I let myself experience this?”

The if removes any arguments the mind creates. Even when I’m feeling horrible in the moment and not loving myself, the if makes the answer possible and real.

“If I loved myself truly and deeply, what would I do?”

This question is great for life choices. It focuses me forward.

If you ever feel helpless or lost, ask yourself this. It will guide you to choice and action. “Am I in light or darkness?”

I go to the ten breaths of loving myself. Sometimes, this shifts me from darkness right away.

You might be tempted to use all three questions, but I’ll caution against it. If you’re not used to asking and answering questions in the moment, multiple options will cause the mind to hesitate. That’s often enough time for old loops to slip through.

Start with this: If I loved myself truly and deeply, what would I do?

Pick one thing that’s important to you. It could be a relationship, it could be your health, a personal or business goal. Then, ask yourself the question every time you’re involved in the activity.

The answer will shift you away from old patterns to choice, then action. Once it starts to feel natural, use it for other areas of your life.

The Mental Loop

When doing the mental loop, with the out-breath, say, “thank you.” With feeling. Who or what the gratitude is for is up to you. What matters is the feeling of gratitude itself.

Do this enough and eventually, this loop starts to run on its own. That’s where you want to be: where love and gratitude are natural expressions of each breath.

If you jump in hard, the mind rebels equally harder.

You don’t waste minutes each morning wondering whether you should brush your teeth or not. You just do it. That’s the power of rituals. They create the grooves we call habits. And these habits, both good and bad, run our lives.

If you’re ever going through a rough patch, dial up your rituals. Meditate more than once.

A rocket on a pad will stay there forever unless the boosters are ignited. Same in our loving ourselves. The vow is the energy needed for lift-off.

How do you continue loving yourself once the initial excitement has worn off? You track yourself.

Get a calendar, and at the end of each day, check off the various parts of the practice you’ve done. If you hit your full commitment, put a big X through that day.

We’ll get lazy and coast. It’s important to be honest with ourselves about this. And plan for it. First, don’t beat yourself up.

To fall and get up is part of the contract of being alive.

Second, pick something in the practice that you will not skip, no matter what.

The meditation is my line in the sand. No matter how the day unfolds, I won’t go to sleep without doing it. This way, even if I fail at keeping my full commitment to myself, at least I kept the most important part to me.

After you forgive yourself and make your vow, do the practice for a month straight. That’s what it initially took for my life to transform.

When we attach our commitments to time, they suddenly become real. And as a result, far more likely to happen.

Whatever childhood strings you discover within yourself, first, accept them. Second, love that part of yourself. In the present, give yourself what you needed in the past, and you will understand the truth—you are what you needed all along.

Someday, I’ll be older and wiser. What would that man say to me today? Close your eyes, do the mental loop, and imagine your older self standing in front.

He smiled a loving and understanding smile. And then, he hugged me, kissed the top of my head, and gave me love. There was nothing for me to do. Only receive love. My love. Do this.

If I’m ever having issues with someone I care for deeply, I do the mental loop, imagine myself holding this person close, and then I kiss the top of their head and give them love. That’s it.

When you do this, remember one thing: the point is to shift yourself, not the other person. And don’t ever fear that by giving love, you will have less for yourself.

Love is not a beggar’s bowl. Love is a deep well connected to life itself. The more it flows through you, the more it transforms you, and the more you receive in return.

Sometimes, loving ourselves can be the hardest thing to do. Especially if we’re caught up in suffering. If you find yourself there, tell yourself this: Life loves me. If you believe in God, then replace “Life” with “God.”

This is a parachute. It will help you. Even if you don’t believe it for a single second, it will help you. Parachutes work regardless of your beliefs on gravity and air resistance.

I believe that we are part of something bigger than us.

I close my eyes, feel light envelop me from above, and with each in-breath, I say, “I love myself” a few times. Then, I shift to Bigger Than Me loving me. You can call it Life or God or the Universe or whatever sits right with you.

Don’t stop.

If it scares me, there is magic on the other side.

Look, any of us could fill a book with our fears and all the perfectly legitimate and beautifully crafted reasons for them. But they don’t serve us. Only stepping through fear does.

When I first started the practice, I got better on the inside. Then, life got better on the outside. I started to experience synchronicities that I couldn’t explain. The most honest way to state it is this: life just started to work.

Life rewards you more when you pay attention to its gifts.

Feel grateful before you experience magic, just expecting it. Then watch life pour it on you.

Laziness has its own momentum.

A good daily practice is this: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. I’ve seen it work wonders. For physical, I will work out every other day and eat clean and healthy. No alcohol, it’s a depressant. For mental, I will write daily. I will take this pain and energy and create something from it. Also, at work, each day I will take the thing I’ve been putting off the most and get that done. This will move me forward. For emotional, I will spend quality time with at least one person a day. This will make me get out of my head. For spiritual, whenever I catch myself in my head, spinning and falling, I’ll put my hand over my heart and return to myself.

Your child needs to know that it can trust you. That you got it. That is what you must do. Each moment it hurts bad, each time you create dramatic thoughts about the future, go to your heart. Place your hand there and tell it, ‘I got you.’ That’s all it needs.

Transformation takes work.

To be reborn, you must die first.

I decide that I will create a file, put in every sincere compliment I receive, and then repeat it to myself as truth.

Something I’ve learned: to grow fast, find someone you admire, and then model whatever it is about them that inspires you.

When did statistics ever guide the human heart?

This is the way we look at life. The first: life happens to me. This is the place we normally live from, especially as a victim. The second: life happens for me. This upends everything. You look for the good that life is giving you, including the lessons. The third: life happens through me. Where you flow with life and don’t even have to look for the good because you’re experiencing it.

In workouts: push harder, rest longer, three minutes between sets. The body needs to reset to push hard again. That is power.

I sit in the empty apartment at night and realize that safety is an illusion. It is the biggest grandest illusion ever pulled off. There is one thing that is real and that is death. He stands in front of me, just a step away.

I look out at the moon. It’s huge tonight and lights up the Bay. If my heart stopped this moment and I dropped, the life squeezing out of me and my vision tunnelling into a pinhole, would I be remembering that terrible day and how much it hurt or would I grasp at the moon one last time and think how beautiful it is?

What is is what happened. There is not one single thing you can do about it. It is the past. And the past is dead. Done. The only question is, Who are you going to be today? That’s it.

Remember this: you are more powerful than your illusions.

I once asked a monk how he found peace. “I say yes,” he said. “To all that happens, I say yes.”

I list all that I have. The Christmas greetings on my phone from so many who love me. Then, what I’m gaining. I’m focusing on my body and mind in a way that I haven’t in a long while. Heck, all these days of no appetite have made my abs their best in years.

If a person or situation exits your life, it doesn’t change who you are. Only you know you.

The mind can only hold one thought at a time. And each time you repeat a thought with emotion, you reinforce it, increasing the chance that it will return.

If anything must shatter, it should be your ego. It keeps you from being real. It keeps you from accepting the help that life offers.

“If you want to see anyone’s philosophy,” he says, “look at their life. We are all living our philosophy. Our life is the result.”

If people doubt you, just be excellent.

“Sometimes,” my brother says, “what you think is the worst thing that happened to you turns out to be the best thing that ever did.”

“I’m going through a heartbreak,” I say. The wind whips silver across my eyes. “And it’s … it’s just nice to see love. So, thank you.” The woman puts her hands over her heart. “Oh,” she says with such kindness. “We will pray for you.” “Thank you.” I’ll take any help I can get. I return to the dark apartment and head straight to my laptop and write this.

New Year’s Day. Last time this year, I asked myself specific questions about what I wanted and wrote down the answers. Looking back, many of them came true. That is the power of deciding what you want and stating it clearly.

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